It Seems Like Years Since It's Been Clear

-Realized favorite jeans no longer fit properly when I sit, felt uselessly fat
-did 70 sit-ups, realized that won't help, may have cried a little
-began writing angsty fanfiction
-felt silly.

that was my morning.

now I will attempt sleep.

-9:59 AM

This entry will probably be disconnected word-vomit. I have things to say but they're all competing.

Also, I'm going to talk about bad car crashes in this entry, so if that triggers you, I won't be offended if you scroll.

My father totalled his car yesterday. He's fine (he says he's sore, he didn't go to the hospital but he says he feels alright, so whatev) but his poor little car is smushed.

My online friends probably don't know this, but, adorably, my parents both have the same car. They're not really matchy cute people, but somehow they ended up with the same car. His had a spoiler and slightly larger wheels but they're the same color. In November, a few days before my birthday, my mother was hit while driving her car (she was also fine, and it was the other lady's fault unquestionably). Her car made it out alive (she claims it's not the same, but it feels the same to me).

I'm sad to see Daddy's car go. So is he. They're good cars. They got my parents out of their car crashes alive and mostly unharmed (Mama sees a chiropracter, one of the good ones I mean, not a scammy one, but she's almost done with that now.) Daddy says his wasn't his fault, and the body shop guy said the other guy had to have been speeding. I saw the pictures. I agree with Bodyshop Guy. How the hell did he get out of that car without ANY injuries? He has a heart condition! I'm not usually superstitious but it was my uncle's birthday. My dead uncle (my mother's brother), who died in a horrific car crash in 2003. I'm just saying, you guys. I'm just saying. (I also woke up like right around when it happened, somehow. And before my mother's crash I said to her she shouldn't leave the house- I just had a feeling. She should have listened since I'm usually right and she has the same ~feelings, but she didn't. We're totes psychic you guys.)

Why am I tearing up right now? I don't know. Usually I can understand my emotions even when they aren't logical, but I don't know exactly why I've been all teary since yesterday. It's just one of those things, I guess. Involuntary reaction to my father's car being totalled (I'm one of Those People who gets irrationally attached to objects, especially large machinery like computers and cars, so the car dying is hitting me hard, and in a related story I direct you to this entry where I discuss my childhood car and how much I still miss it) and my father being alive and not dead, and it being my uncle's birthday, and the fact that I've been feeling weird for the past few weeks is probably all spilling together.

Speaking of my dead uncle, I always think about my dead family members and how much I wish I had gotten to talk to them as an adult. Not that I have anything specific to say, just that I wish I knew them the way my parents knew them. I wish I knew my paternal grandmother (who died when I was 9) as more than a sickly old lady. I wish I remembered my paternal grandfather the way he was when I was little, not the way he was when I was 15 and he had dementia. I wish I could talk to my uncle, because we have stuff in common now (like baseball). I don't know where I'm going with this.

My father has another car (why do two adults need three cars? I mean, I can't drive, so idek) but he'd rather not drive it, it's a Cadillac and the maintenence/gas is expensive. He might trade it in for a new more sensible car, or just buy another car (again, why two cars? idek. We have two houses, the second one inherited from the dead grandparents, so there's room, but still.)

My other uncle just left. He wasn't even staying in my house, but he's just one of those exhausting people (he and his brother were like complete opposites, it's funny.) Now that he's gone and I've written this big cathartic entry maybe I can get back to writing and feeling normal. Timsey soon! Maybe! I hope!

Also new Kylie CD soon. I'm dying, you guys. DYING. And new Futurama started today! AND IT WAS SO GOOD. Like they'd never been cancelled. I was expecting it to be different but it feels exactly the same. It's just everything I hoped for. I'm relieved and excited and so happy. If the Rays would start winning again (and they won today!) this summer will be a good one. Fingers crossed, loves.

-11:55 PM

I don't like changing seasons. My sleep cycle has been bizarre lately (is it possible to complain about getting too much sleep?) and I feel weird and anxious and constantly like I want to run from something, and I'm blaming the changing seasons because hell if I know that there's any other cause, besides my novel (SO CLOSE TO yet SO FAR AWAY FROM completion) giving me hell. I know I'm just avoiding it and if I sit down and put my brainz to it it won't be nearly as hard as I think it will be, but the more I don't write the less I want to, which is so very, very bad. But I'll work through it. I CAN DO THIS. With the help of caps, because I sure do loves me some capslock, apparently.

Went to the mall two days in a row, once with my mother and once with my boyfriend. The perfume counter ALMOST had a Kylie perfume, but found out that it's actually in the Countryside mall, which is so far away it's ridiculous. So that was a massive let-down, especially since I didn't even go to the mall looking for Kylie, then they said she was there and then she wasn't, which was more of a disappointment than it would have been if I had asked and they'd just said no.
I also met some of his nerdfriends and man, they are... not my kind of nerd. There's no nice way to say that. I'm not that kind of a gamer. I mean, I watch Star Trek (the original, I mean) and I have SNES and DOS emulators on my harddrive and know how to use them (speaking of dosbox, I keep playing SuperMunchers like I did in like, first grade, and I still suck at it, and it's soooooo 90s, it even references Michael and Janet Jackson and OJ Simpson from before it became taboo to talk about him), and I know what "abandonware" means, and I love LotR, and there's even an xbox (not mine) sitting in my house (that I don't know how to use and don't care about since it's my boyfriend's and not mine and he's just keeping it here so his brother doesn't touch it) and I still have my Pokemon cards, and I'm still not enough of a nerd.
They were nice, but it was definitely one of those "huge fake smile can we go now please please please" moments. We only stayed a few minutes because he needed some paints from the nerdstore. Which, thank God, because I would have died. My boyfriend freely admits that they're so stereotypical it hurts, which means he's not one of them because if he was I would cry so hard.

Huh. That's an odd note to end on, but I've suddenly run into a wall here. I could probably ramble some more (because I have so very many thoughts) but it's probably time to go.

-2:43 AM

( Hello, there be useless survey behind here, but the meme is uncut sry )

From yuki_ona, the First Lines meme, first lines from various projects:


1. From a long project that shall remain nameless (AKA, the novel I don't talk about):
He mentally crossed another one off the list. It was getting worse. He hadn’t even gotten to kiss this one. He wondered what was wrong with him- it was like his heart just wasn’t in it.

2. From UFP (that is, Untitled Fantasy Project, the novel I bitch about all the time):
Anastasia looked at the packet of crisp white paper and sighed. It was like homework.

3. From the original first draft of UFP:
She walked down the hallway with her heart in her throat. She had nothing to really be nervous about – she wasn’t getting married or anything. She was just nervous about meeting someone new, she supposed, especially since the someone new was a semi-famous someone.

4. From an abandoned project I may someday return to:
There was a soft knock on the window. The girl sleeping in the bed twitched, but did not wake up. Her soft, short brown hair had fallen over one eye and she looked vaguely annoyed, as if she had fallen asleep thinking about something irritating.

5. From Angel, an unfinished writing project:
Robert Brown walked down the street. It was a dreary sort of day, the kind where the sky couldn’t make up its mind whether or not it wanted to be sunny or rainy, so the people walking down the street were stuck with miserably gray clouds and a suffocating humidity that felt like wearing an itchy scarf.

6. From Bettina, another unfinished writing project:
In high school, she smelled like fake strawberries, the kind of smell that comes from lip gloss or candy or something that isn’t made from real strawberries. Her hair was smooth and straight and brown, except when it was messy, which was often, because she didn’t spend the minutes between classes ducking into bathrooms to comb it.

7. From You Make Me Light Up, posted here:
She walked into the room, slightly late. Fashionably late, she often said. She took her place, slightly breathless from hurrying.

8. From Closest Thing to Heaven, the sequel to YMMLU, also posted here:
He hadn't danced all evening, not even for a second. The music was good, very, very good, but he hadn't danced.

9. From an unpublished sequel to CTTH and YMMLU:
He held her in his arms while she cried, leaning against the hard, dirty wall. Their dress uniforms were torn and their faces were bruised; her hair was tangled and there were deep cuts in his arms.

10. From the second unpublished sequel to CTTH and YMMLU:
He stared up at the ceiling from his small, government bed. The only light in the room came from moonlight streaming in through the gap between the curtains and the edge of the tiny window next to him. It was the dreariest room imagineable, and he had to live there.

11. From Melissa, posted here:
He walked up to her table. He'd had enough, he was absolutely, one hundred percent sure that she was stalking him. At first he thought he was imagining it, but no: she was always there, wherever he was.

12. From Perfect Victoria, posted here:
I'd never been a beauty queen, or particularly confident, or had stellar grades, so my self-confidence had never been exceedingly high. However, I had been starting to settle quite nicely into my life as it was before she entered the picture.

13. From the Sneezing Story, posted here:
The lady next door was sneezing, and he could hear her through the paper-thin walls.
She was allergic to everything, it seemed, and she sneezed an awful lot.

-2:03 AM

It's my half-birthday! I'm 21 and a half today. :) I wish there was cake somewhere around here, but I had a toaster strudel instead (mmmmblueberry but the plain cheese are my favorite).

Some notes:
~If Aki (Akinori Iwamura) is seriously injured I will cut multiple bitches. And why Jason Bartlett had to get injured on the same damn base I have no idea, maybe he was jealous. If he's seriously hurt too I think I'll just cry.

~Carrie Underwood's Just a Dream video is up for CMT Video of the Year, and it deserves it. It made me cry for like a week. When the dress turned black I DIED. Go youtube it or something.

~I love writing. I'm so happy :)

-11:47 PM

So I think I've gotten a work schedule cut out for myself: write longhand during the week, take the weekend to type everything up, and then start over again on Monday. Weekends will also be for fleshing out the bits my hands were too tired to write properly. This is good: it encourages letting bits of story sit for awhile so I can go back to them later, with my head fresher for editing. It also means I only get a new word count at the end of the week, which gives me room for goals, which is good because I am the least motivated writer ever. I'm pretty sure that when you are a writer, or even an author, you're not supposed to be content to keep the story in your head.
Tonight I think I'll do some other stuff I've been meaning to do but kept avoiding, and we'll start the new work schedule on Monday. Because in May I'll have been writing this thing for a YEAR. Bleh.

Also, I freaking LOVE Neopets. Make fun of me all you please, but I love it so much. I have three accounts (you're allowed five) and my pets are all customized and pretty and I love it. I'm also a neo-millionaire, I have ten million neopoints. SO much fun.

-12:54 AM

Okay, I'm trying to type up some stuff I wrote in bed, but of course my handwriting is horrible, so I keep reading "it was a lot of fuss to make over someone he hadn't even seen before" as "it was a lot of fun to makeover someone" like, wtf. This character isn't a queer-eye guy.

-3:30 AM

WHO IS THE WORLD'S WORST NOVELIST EVER? I AM!

lol whatever

-3:52 AM

Ugh, writing. I stopped writing my book for awhile (I just got burned out on it, really) but I did continue to work on it a bit. Unfortunately now that I'm ready to write in full-swing again I just can't get the words out right. Rereading what I've already written, I really like the tone and the word choices and the way it seems to come out, but I just can't get that style to come out again.
I won't give up, though.

Oh oh oh but how's this for stupid? The last thing I wrote ended on a cliffhanger, and now I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN NEXT. I have two ideas on what I might have been planning (I consulted my outline) but the context doesn't support either. Um, what? Jesus. I'm just going to use something new instead, because I like the way it sounds, and then re-incorporate the previously outlined stuff in later.

k gonna go work now brb

-2:15 AM

I've reached 50,564 words. I'm at the halfway point of that 100,000 word goal I set for myself! Which I think, according to my plans, won't be enough to finish this story. And also I'm not getting to 100,000 by November 23rd, I think. Maybe 75,000? Let's try for that. Reach for the sky, and all that jazz, blah blah.

Well, I feel accomplished, at any rate. It be celebration timez nao.

-5:04 AM